Father Figures: Men Standing in The Gap

With tomorrow being Father's Day I was inspired to write a poem for all the men out there who stand in the gap. There are so many men (stepfathers, uncle's, coaches and teachers) who provide support and consistency, and most importantly love, to a child whose own biological father, for whatever reason, is not playing an active role in their child's life.

When men choose to mentor to children who are not their own, they are making an investment in the future. It is proven that children who have the benefit of a positive male influence in their early childhood, or who have been parented by both a mother and a father, have a better chance for success.

In June of 2011 the Huffington Post reported that "Nearly One in Three American Children Live Without a Father". The article goes on to say that the number of children living apart from their father has doubled in the last 50 years, with 11% reported in 1960 and 27% in 2010.

In my lifetime I have encountered only a few of the type of men I choose to celebrate in the poem below. Although the words were written for a special man in my life, the poem is dedicated to men everywhere who know the importance of mentoring to a child, and who are strong enough and man enough to consistently be a positive influence in the life of a fatherless child.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Sometimes a man stands in the gap,

And helps to raise a child that’s not his own.

Sometimes a man will help a woman,

When she’s raising a child alone.

Sometimes a man will lend a hand,

And nourishes a seed he did not plant.

Sometimes a man, has to raise his voice or hand,

To discipline an unruly child, in an instant.

There are so many men, who every now and then,

Decide to fulfill the role as father.

And it makes me so mad, to see the real dads,

Who hardly care, and don’t even bother.

So, this card is for you, the tried and true,

Who always help a child in need.

It takes a real man, who does what he can,

And that makes him a real Father indeed.
Copyright 2012 © Lady Lavender all rights reserved.

On Raising Children: A Personal Gift From God to You, To Be Loved and Nurtured, Not Devalued or Degraded

As I was traveling home after a four day vacation with my soul mate, I happened to be fortunate enough to get a window seat on the train; it was not crowded so I had the luxury of placing my backpack in the seat next to me, to allow me a certain degree of space and privacy. There were several other empty seats on the train at that time. As I settled in I pulled out my cell phone so I could call my honey. He was still standing just outside my window on the platform. We were still watching the episode that was unfolding as I boarded the train, a woman had lost control of her dog and she was chasing the dog so frantically she looked like she might be about to pass out. The dog eventually made it onto the train tracks and then back onto the platform. Within minutes, with the assistance of one of the station’s staff, the dog was back on the leash, and was happily walking its owner.

As we pulled off I began to hear a toddler cry, just a couple of seats behind me. Now, I know all children cry at different times for different reasons, but I have to be honest and say I don’t like it when there is a screaming child within my midst, especially if it is when I am stuck traveling on a train, bus, or plane, or anywhere that I am not able to either stop the screaming, or remove myself from the situation and setting. I know I’m not alone on this. The crying continued on and off for the first hour of the trip. The child whining and the young mother responding, “Shut up! Damn!” You could even hear an occasional slap on the child’s thin framed body, being delivered harshly by the mother. There were more derogatory and negative words being lashed upon the young child.

It became so distracting that I put down the book I was reading and just sat quietly with my thoughts. It was then, as we were departing one of the many stops along my short journey, that I noticed a young mother with her son; she had just boarded the train at the last stop. Her son was about 4 years old. She passed my seat and after about a minute I looked over my shoulder, for no other reason other than having responded to a strong feeling to do so. I noticed she and her son were both standing in the aisle and she had placed a car seat, along with several bags and one piece of luggage on wheels in a vacant seat in the row behind me. I immediately removed my backpack and offered her and her son the seat next to me. She was grateful and she thanked me with her smile.

Ever-present was the occasional whine of the toddler and cutting remarks from the mother a few rows back. After a few stops, the mother in the seat next to me removed her son from her lap, got up, and proceeded to tell the young boy that she was going to walk him downstairs, and he should wait there until she came back upstairs to the seat behind me to get her car seat and other baggage, and she would, “be right back”. I don’t normally get involved in other people’s business, but before I could acknowledge that which I was thinking, words were upon my lips offering to the mother the option to leave her son in the seat next to me, while she carried her bags and car seat downstairs, and then come back to get her son, who I promised to look after until she returned for him.

Two things leave me perplexed as I analyze this now. One, this woman was willing to leave her child with me, a complete stranger, or even worse, alone downstairs where he could risk being taken or being curious and getting off the train. What if the doors opened, and any number of horrible, nasty experiences of which a young man, so well behaved and obedient as he, (and yes, I see all that after having spent only 30 minutes next to him and his mother), should never have been encountering would have occurred?

The second thing, maybe even more perplexing, is the fact that, indeed, I did see the mother holding her son’s hand, and pulling a car seat, attached nicely on top off the rolling luggage, with one or two smaller shopping bags attached here and there, to board the train in the first place. Why was she now unable to perform the same task, even if difficult to endure?

Now, back to that "damn screaming baby". (I say this for emphasis because by the time we were approaching our last stops to our final destination, I was closely getting to my wits end with the outside noise of that unfolding negative experience). We were finally approaching the final stop, and here and there a few seats had cleared; including the one across the aisle from me, which had both seats open, and it was then that the crying and screaming got nearer. The irritated mother, and what I could now see was a darling little girl with her hair all in curls, took the seats across from me.

 
 
The mother was clearly frustrated and I 
even saw the silent tears falling down her cheeks as the child finally relented and gave the mother a few moments of silence, with her legs stretched out comfortably in the chair and her head in mommy’s lap, sucking the sippie cup of juice or soda or whatever, the mother retrieved from the bottom of her designer purse.

I am reminded of a poem that used to hang in my pediatrician's office, (Dr. Feig, on the corner of Stocker and Santa Rosalia in Los Angeles, CA), when I was a child. It was written in 1954 by Dorothy Law Nolte.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, 
they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, 
they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement,
they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval,
they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition,
they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration,
they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Dorothy Law Nolte

I have learned that children are a gift to us from God. They are in our care and we are their first teachers. We have a responsibility to nurture the gift we have been given, never devaluing or degrading that which God, through us as parents, created. Your creator loves you and you should love that which He creates through you.

And hell yes, it is challenging; and yes it can try your patience. But never, absolutely never, is it okay to yell out in anger at a child, to discipline in anger instead of from a loving and calm, but firm position; and it is never okay to strike a child in the way that this young woman had.

We make it a point to find other ways to communicate with our friends and coworkers, the other people in our life. We also need to be creative in the way we interact with our children, the people we have the most influence on, and the biggest opportunity we have to make this earth a little better, by creating healthy and loving and giving, and understanding members of the community.